S: Remembering Roger
FC: Remembering Roger | 1938-2010
1: In November 2009, Roger and I began planning a project entitled "Poppa's Legacy," a collection of personal questions and answers about his childhood, growing up, and his take on life itself- the things he would want to pass on to those after him. By Christmas of that year, we had compiled a list of over thirty questions for him to answer. Our plan was to have him answer these questions in a variety of formats including his own handwriting, audio recordings, and email. I would then take his answers and compile them into one document- an artifact that he could give you to hold on to in the years ahead. As Roger's health declined in the early months of 2010, the project fell by the wayside, though we kept talking about getting it going. Unfortunately, Roger left us earlier than any of us expected in April of 2010. And though he never had a chance to answer the original questions we had started, he, no doubt, left a legacy behind anyway. So after his passing, I began looking for a way to honor him and to remember him for the great man he was. In the fall of 2010, while checking my email, I came to the wonderful realization that I had hundreds of Roger's emails that he had created, sent, or forwarded along since January of 2009. As I perused these emails, I began to realize that this collection was hilarious, delightful, beautiful, and 100% Roger. The messages that he created, sent, or forwarded create a mosaic of who he was: sometimes the "dirty old man" and other times the thought-provoking sage that appreciated the beauty in the world around him. So I delightfully share with you these treasures from my inbox. Perhaps you have seen these before or remember them as they crossed your way as he thought of you when he passed them along. Many of the messages he sent contained attached videos, songs or links to something special. I have done my best to capture and preserve these multimedia pieces. At the back of the book you will find these digital files on a CD for you to enjoy. As you read this book, I pray that God will bring you a smile as you remember Roger. Jim Holland, son-in-law P.S. You may share the electronic version of this book found at http://tinyurl.com/rememberingroger
2: After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Barrack Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected. So, Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send Barrack Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. | Subject: Top Secret Crypto Code | Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden. Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA. Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it. And within a minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply: 'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down.'
3: You think English is easy??? 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce . 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row . 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'? | You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.........it is time to shut UP! Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P | Subject: English is Easy
4: The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. | The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty- five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!! | Subject: Don't Mess with Old People
5: Subject: Winter Poem | I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I felt it really captured my own feelings about winter. 'WINTER' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre SHIT, It's Cold! The End | A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' | Subject: If I could think this fast...
6: This one really bought a tear to my eye.....very moving. A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. | Subject: Daddy's Little Girl | 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.
7: A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months and nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma. The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.' | The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What' s it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.' | Subject: Lone Ranger | Subject: Never Assume Men Understand
8: There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you're going to love this)... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" | Subject: Painting the Church
9: This has to be one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. I think this tech person should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble?' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing?' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.' Caller: 'Yes, it is.' | Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' Caller: 'No..' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!' | Subject: We can't fix Stupid
10: A little known fact..... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important | Subject: A Little Known Fact | In West Virginia a hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?' The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer........ You do whatever you want.' | Subject: Never Cheat a Hillbilly Woman
11: I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly | Subject: Never Question a Drunk | Subject: Deodorant
12: Subject: The Best Christmas Cookies Ever | Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a s....t Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher. Cherry Mistmas !
13: Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.... Just thought you'd like to know. | Subject: Medical Research | Don't forget to pay your taxes... Muchas gracias 21 million illegal aliens are depending on you! | Subject: Tax Reminder
14: I kid you not.... New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as... Pino More | As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to Come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the Second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing Behind her picked her up easily by the waist And placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan And yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.' | Subject: The Zipper | Subject: New Wine for Seniors
15: A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes .' 'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached. | Subject: Yet Another Genie Story
16: It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the room and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government and the State of California are doing business today. | Subject: A Stimulus Story
17: A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from South Dakota . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the South Dakota law officer's expense. The law officer says,' License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer.. The law officer says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the law officer. 'License and registration, please' The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is that you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!' the law officer says. Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the actual difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 'That sounds fair enough. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the law officer says. At this point, the law officer takes out his nightstick and starts beating the snot out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?' | Subject: South Dakota Officer & New York Lawyer
18: Subject: Traffic Question | Most men will get this right! Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you: (a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or (b) Do you break the law and pass? Which is the correct choice? A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket? | Subject: How was I born? | A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!'
19: A friend sent this to us. We have now added a new descriptive word to our vocabulary and it says it all!!!! So applicable!!! Sure beats "baloney!" Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression "Bull Shit." As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language that expression became "BS" or in the military "Bravo Sierra" Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions? A. I meant something was ridiculous, idiotic, a half-truth or just stupid. It covered any number of negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially foolish insolent talk. I have decided I will no longer use either of those expressions in the future. When I have the need to express those feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi". Let me use it in a sentence: "That's just a bunch of Pelosi." I encourage you to do the same. It is such a good word. It really packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar but it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, it's possible we can actually get the word and its definition in the dictionary. That would be an excellent legacy for the Speaker of the House. | Subject: That's just a bunch of Pelosi
20: A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.' | Subject: Tailgating
21: A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!' | Subject: How was I born? | This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they? | Subject: Happy Birthday! | Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?" "Africa . . . they're all over the place!", said the Parrot. | Subject: O and the Parrot
22: An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men. | Subject: Irish Blonde at Casino | Subject: It Finally Arrived! | "I promise 100% transparency in my administration." "I promise NO NEW TAXES on a family making less than $250K a year." "I will allow 5 days of public comment before I sign any bills" "I will remove earmarks for PORK projects before I sign any bill." "I will end Income Tax for seniors making less than $50K a year" "I'll put the Health Care negotiations on CSPN so everyone can see who is at the table."
23: I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are real good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little of the whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life sure is good here in the South. | Subject: Jack Daniels Fishing Story | “A funny joke for your birthday” A teacher in the class room says she wants the kids to tell her about the book they’re reading, but without baby talk. The first child says “My book is about a choo-choo.” “No” says the teacher, that’s baby talk. You mean a train.” The second child says “My book’s about a brum-brum.” "No” says the teacher, “That’s baby talk. You mean a car.” Then the teacher asks little Johnny what he’s reading. “You don’t want baby talk, right?” “That’s right,” replies the teacher. “In that case” he says, “my book’s about Winnie the Shit!” | Subject: Karin's Birthday Card
24: Where does the time go? 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but you better live for today' How quickly the years pass. | Subject: Time Flies
25: A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced ‘I bet her butt is this wide!’ The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!! | Subject: I Can Relate | Subject: Kids (Suck)
26: An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.' | Subject: Atheist in the Woods
27: A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! | Subject: Goodbye Mom
28: A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major went to a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" Negative, ma'am, Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action" The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am, he replied." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." | Subject: No Sex Since 1955
29: Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now." "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21." "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr." "Oh gracious me!" says the second mother. "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year. "Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says: "They blow up so fast, don't they?" | Subject: Boomers
30: On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle. | Subject: Birthday Present
31: Subject: Season's Greetings from the Woods | HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. | Subject: How Coordinated are You?
32: As the plane began sinking, Sullenberger walked the aisle twice to make sure no one was left behind. | Subject: U.S. Airways 1549
33: Subject: A Family Addition | WELL.... WE HAVE A NEW ONE......6 months old boy & 26 pounds! WE STARTED WITH "PAR' & "BIRDIE" YEARS BEFORE WE CAME TO MANSFIELD. AFTER THEY WENT TO DOGGIE HEAVEN MY SISTER, CAROLYN GOT US "BOGIE" (who never eats & doesn't go outside etc...& has never had a bath!)... BOGIE IS A GREAT LAP DOG ! So now keeping with tradition & having golf associated names our new male 6 mo. old puppy is named "Putter" Probably the most gentle & laid back and loving puppy ever seen ! TAKE A LOOK...
34: Dirt Roads | What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character. People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. | Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience.
35: Subject: Dirt Roads | Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody. At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. | Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini. At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road! ~by Paul Harvey~
36: As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about 25 feet away. I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too, and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turn back to the old man and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, 'You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age.' And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot. I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him I said, 'Looks like you're having a problem.' He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head. I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him. The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us, he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman. When I shook hands with him earlier, he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, 'What outfit did you serve with?' He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadal canal. He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over. As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card. | Subject: The Old Man
37: He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye's to his wife.. I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me. I said I would and drove off. For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name 'Congressional Medal of Honor Society.' I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence. Remember, OLD men like him gave you FREEDOM for America . Thanks to those who served and those who supported them. America is not at war. The U.S.. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them! Remember, Freedom isn't "Free" -- thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today!
38: A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell. They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.’ 'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. The greedy think only of themselves.' When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you. I will always share my spoon with you. | Subject: Heaven & Hell
39: Check this out on Snopes. It is good and bad. Good idea even if you are a gun owner. If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you: Wasp Spray A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use. On the heels of a break-in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life. Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School. For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed. Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them." Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life. Please share this with all the people in your life, especially those who are vulnerable or alone. | Subject: Self Defense
40: In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true. She took her son' s hand and asked, 'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?' Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up.' Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can make your wish come true.' Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met Fireman Bob, who had! a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so we can get them fast.' Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible. | Subject: Am I a Fireman Now?
41: One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, 'We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?' About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window. Sixteen firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him. With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, 'Chief, am I really a fireman now?' 'Billy, you are, and The Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and said, 'I know. He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing.' He closed his eyes one last time. True Story
42: You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona , who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well.........SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN! Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay. The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows. The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78. The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison. Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote. Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff. | Subject: Sheriff at it again
43: AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY: He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but 'G' movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn’t get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV Until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again and only let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it’s gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs. He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton.....If you don't like it, don't come back.' He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place. With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. 'It feels like we are in a furnace,' said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. 'It's inhumane.' Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths!' Way To Go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
44: Do we live in an exciting area or what? Floods... bees... swarms... what's next? A squirrel attack? Saturday I'm laying on the couch by the den window and suddenly I have a hard time seeing the trees on the deck. Thousands and thousands of bees are swarming in front of the window. I called my neighbor to see if he had something like this at his place, too. He came over and took a pic. We ventured out when the swarm seemed to slow down. Three of the pics show how they were going into our soffit! Before the first picture was taken, the clustered swarm was twice the size! Sunday morning, our guy came over to eradicate the dudes. The guy spent two hours working to do them in ($249). He said we had way over 5000 bees in the swarm! It started about two weeks ago when I found a couple bees inside at the window. I usually catch the bees or wasps and put them back outside, being the nice guy that I am. This time, I happened to put a "scout" outside so he could go tell the troops where we live. My new motto: "Kill the bees or pay later!" -Me | Subject: Bees, etc.
46: Written by a 15 yr. old School Kid in Ohio : New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME!) Since the Pledge of Allegiance & The Lords Prayer are not allowed in schools anymore because the word 'God' is mentioned... A Kid in Ohio wrote the attached... Now I sit me down in school where praying is against the rule. For this great nation under God finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, it violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, that's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice For praying in a public hall might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, and pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, and the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong, we're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, no word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, when chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen | Subject: New School Prayer
47: This is so true, and USA has been played for suckers too long. Why do we have to solve problems around the world? If the other countries don't want to participate, I say we should also pull out. Sorry, but that's the way I feel these days. Tribute: This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing. America: The Good Neighbor. Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record: "This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy, were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars, and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States .When France was in danger of collapsing it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped. The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC 10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and safely home again. You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here. When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those." Stand proud, America! This is one of the best editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States. It is nice that one man realizes it. I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are always blamed for everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do. ****MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA***** | Subject: This is really great...
48: Year after year.... Karin makes Christmas it happen for all of us !!! This year I couldn't help Karin much except to make a one day outing in my scooter to Macy's with her. She shops for weeks and weeks for everyone......comes home & shows me what she got or all the grand kids etc...etc... She always has kept a list of the gifts & their cost so that everyone gets an equal amount...... She especially picks out colors that would look good on different girls etc....... And "cool looking" things for the dudes of the family. Then spend days and days wrapping as you can see then stacks packages in groups for the different families so that we can mail them to the intended..... We probably wouldn't have much of a Christmas without her !!! Just wanted you to know.......................the old dude. | Subject: Our Family Christmas
49: On Thanksgiving Day 2009, our Heidi flew away to Heaven. What a sad thing to happen, but you know what? The Lord gave us platters of beautiful memories to be thankful for, on a Thanksgiving day. I would like to share a few with you. When we found her I have never seen her in that position before. Her wings were beautifully spread out like she was soaring high up in the sky, like you see hawks do, way up there gliding around. Best I remember, about 21+ years ago one morning, Karin & I were sitting at our kitchen table looking out through our large pane glass window into our beautifully landscaped back yard in El Paso. The sun just began peeking over the top of the house acting like a spot light on the yard. The yard was terraced using rail-road ties from the right to the left ending at the large koi pond on the left nestled under large trees with a water fall flowing into the pond. It was beautiful seeing the water fall sparkle in the sun light. Suddenly we saw this beautiful white bird walking around the water fall taking a drink or two. We cautiously walked out to the pond to get a closer look at this beautiful white, ring-necked dove. Karin had golf that morning and I agreed to do my paper work at the kitchen table to keep an eye on this heavenly creature. A little later that morning Karin returned with a loaner cage and her mom. We slowly went to the koi pond and sat down. Karin began talking to the bird, offering it a piece of bread or something. The bird responded to Karin’s voice and flew across the length of the pond landing about two feet from where Karin was sitting. After a few moments Karin was able to cup her hands and pick up this thing and place her in her lap. Wow, what a beginning! Well, Heidi was officially named “Princes Heidi of Belton Road” and took up residence in our kitchen near the window so that she could always have a view of our back yard. Heidi would spend some time sitting on top of her cage or on the kitchen table and especially on your shoulder watching TV with you. When she would be on your shoulder she would nuzzle your ear with her beak which was her way of showing affection toward you. What fun! She did have a split personality though. When anyone would go by her cage and talk to her she would cackle back in different tones as if talking to them – except me! She would just stare at me with this dumb look and not say a word. But on the other hand, she was known to have flown across a room to me and land on my out stretched hand, then walk up to my shoulder. She would play on the floor with grand kids when they would come by and especially Jaylee who was her caretaker when we left town. A Thanksgiving Day never to be forgotten and even more memories to remember. ..............R Nielsen | Subject: Ode to Heidi
50: Rogies BBQ Sauce | Pronounced: Ro-shzay’s (Supposed to be French sounding) | Ingredients: Hickory liquid smoke, Claude’s Marinade, Parkay (stick), Light Brown Sugar, or regular brown sugar. HEINZ Ketchup 46 oz. + Extra empty ketchup bottle. Please Note: The flavor of the sauce is a combination of certain flavors of the above ingredients substituting different products other than those pictured above with something else will completely change the end resulting flavor. | USE “LOW” to “ MED” HEAT & STIR! HINT: Use a “splatter screen” on top of the pot (Unless you like red spots all over your stove) 1. Melt 1 stick of Parkay in a sauce pan. 2. Add 3 cups of brown sugar & slowly melt. Make sure ALL lumps are squished. 3. Add 1 cups water to help liquefy the brown sugar. 4. Slowly add a 46 ounce bottle of HEINZ ketchup to the mix. Keep stirring on LOW heat. Pour cup of water into ketchup bottle, recap & shake, then pour into the pot. (Will help thin mixture). See HINT. 5. Add 1 Tbs Hickory smoke to the mix 6. Add 2 Tbs of Claude’s sauce to pot mix. 7. I let the temp. get up to 180 to 200 F degrees. Remove from stove, pour back into clean ketchup bottles & let cool down, then place in fridge. ENJOY ! | Subject: Special BBQ Sauce
52: A life well lived . . .
53: On the CD... | Many of Roger's greatest laughs and inspirations were the result of videos and slideshows from various sources and in various formats including YouTube videos and PowerPoint shows that people sent along. I have captured these videos and slideshows in the best resolution possible and assembled them for you on this CD. Some will make you laugh or wonder. Others will make you cry. But in all of them, I think you will agree with me, you can see Roger's amazing personality shine through. Enjoy them as Roger did. | Last known picture of Roger- taken by Jaylee just a day before his passing. | . . .from beginning to end.