Learn How You Can Connect With Your Child Using Love Language
Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of “The 5 Love Languages” and the co-author of “The 5 Love Languages of Children,” theorizes that children (and everyone else) wish to receive love in five ways: physical touch, receiving presents, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time. However, every child has one love language they prefer over the rest of the four.
This article walks you through the five love languages of children and how to identify which one your child appreciates the most.
What Are The Five Love Languages And How To Spot Them?
As explained by Dr. Chapman in his book, children receive and show love in five ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service.
What does it mean when we call these ways to show "love languages"?
Children "speak" them to feel valued. Some prefer hugs over words of appreciation; others feel seen when you support them in different tasks. However, one should not mistake ignoring other love languages, as children need all five. Understanding your child's preferred way of feeling loved and appreciated helps you connect better with them. But all children need hugs, all of them need to hear "I love you," and all deserve meaningful gifts.
To spot which love language your child connects to the most, you need to observe their day-to-day behavior. Children show you the kind of love they wish to receive. Paying close attention to your child can make you understand the kind gestures they appreciate the most.
How does this help?
Discovering your child's preferred love language will ensure they feel heard, understood, and loved rather than just know it. This ultimately boosts their self-confidence and turns them into self-assured individuals.
Speaking your child's love language makes them feel accepted and allows them to embrace their authenticity later in life.
Here's a quick guide to spotting your child's love language:
| Love Language | May Be Your Child's If | Show Love By: |
|---|---|---|
| Words of Affirmation | Love appreciation, beam with they hear “I love you,” thrives when given verbal affirmation | Saying “I love you” frequently, often praise theme to others when they’re within an earshot |
| Physical Touch | Love to cuddle and kiss, clingy when they see you after a few hours | Giving lots of kisses, hugs, and cuddles, squeeze hands, and playfight |
| Quality Time | Keep asking you to look at things or play together, want to tell stories all the time | Have meals together, make time for a daily fun activity of their choice, ask about their day |
| Receiving Gifts | Remember what they received as gifts for a long time, love to display presents, save wrapping papers | Give meaningful gifts without occasion, buy their favorite fruits, bring flowers from a walk |
| Acts of Service | Want help with (sometimes mundane) tasks, ask for assistance regularly, say, “you do it for me” | Support them with homework, do a chore for me as an exception without asking, help them make their bed |
The Five Love Languages of Children
Whether you are struggling to cope with a sudden attitude change in your child or your second baby has flipped your parenting philosophy right out the window, you can benefit from understanding and identifying the five love languages.
1. Words of Affirmation: Don’t Skimp On The “I Love Yous”
Children who speak this love language really pay attention to your words as they hold a lot of meaning for them. If your praise and verbal declarations of love have your child beaming, their love language is words of affirmation. Such children often shower you with loving words too.
To show love to such a child, you can:
Get down to their level and tell them you love them.
Make sure they listen to you, praising them to other people.
Occasionally put note cards in the lunch box (handwritten work too).
Appreciate their efforts, “you did so well!”
Call them by an affectionate name.
Remember that while insults will bring down any child, they can genuinely cut deep for a child that wants to hear your loving words. Thus, it is essential to let them know you love them unconditionally.
Thinking before you speak to your children and HOW you speak to them is vital. Regulate your tone and always choose to reply empathetically.
2. Physical Touch: Shower Them With Kisses and Cuddles
If your child leaps on you as soon as you get home or if they keep touching you, it is a sign that they crave physical touch. For such children, an “I love you” with a hug or small hand squeeze is much more potent than just a verbal declaration.
To show love to such a child, you can:
Snuggle with them on the couch during movie night.
Cuddle with them before sleep or as you read to them.
Hug and kiss them often.
Give high-fives and squeeze hands as a gesture of love.
Playfully wrestle with them or call for family hugs.
According to Dr. Chapman, while any child feels hurt when slapped or spanked, children who crave physical touch take it especially hard. As children grow older, they may not look like they need physical affection as often, but keeping on with simple gestures like good morning hugs can make them feel loved every day.
3. Quality Time: Prioritize One-on-One Bonding
If your child constantly asks you to play with them, listen to them, or even show you different things, their love language is probably quality time. Such children feel most valued when their parents give them undivided attention, even for a small allotted “special” portion of the day.
It is not so much about WHAT you do but HOW you spend this bonding time. Even small gestures such as stopping to pay attention to your child when they walk into a room can reassure them that their company is valued.
To show love to such a child, you can:
Let them choose the activity for a daily fun one-on-one session.
Have meals together.
Have a heart-to-heart conversion before bed.
Take them along to run errands.
Play with them or go for walks.
Remember never to isolate such a child to discipline them as they are much more sensitive to feeling abandoned and will consider this an extreme punishment.
4. Gifts: Use Presents As Tokens of Love
Children who tend to hold onto things even when they do not use them or remember who gave them what as a present for a long time equate receiving gifts to feeling loved. Keep in mind that these gifts are not just things for them to own but an extension and expression of your love. So while your children may appreciate the occasional splurging, they will love small personalized gifts just as much. From cards to photo books to even giving flowers from your jog, such kids view gifts as your way of valuing them. But remember not to go overboard and always give age-appropriate items.
To show love to such a child, you can:
Get a gift you can work on/ play with together.
Choose thoughtful gifts they will be interested in.
Give them stars and stickers for every small milestone.
Gift them a photo book celebrating your time together.
Allot a special place to display their gifts.
However, do not use gifts instead of other love languages, or they will lose their value as a token of love.
5. Acts Of Service: Fulfill Special Requests
Perhaps the most challenging love language to master is that of acts of service. Children who speak this love language tend to find self-assurance and security in having their parents help with all kinds of things, from getting their clothes on to fixing a toy. Instead of thinking of it as picking up after your child constantly, view acts of service as a way to make them feel extra loved.
To show love to such a child, you can:
Tuck them into bed.
Make their favorite meal.
Help them organize their room.
Support them while doing homework.
Occasionally make an exception to do a chore for them.
While you cannot keep saying yes to every request, weighing your response even when denying your kid is crucial.
Although teaching kids independence is crucial to their growth and confidence, instead of turning down their requests completely, you should walk them through various steps of getting the task done and providing support where needed.
Lastly, remember that children’s primary love languages evolve as they grow. So the best way to stay connected with your child through each age is to pay attention to how they react to different love languages and grow as parents with them.
