BC: Brandon Hart, Author of The Autobiography of Brandon Hart
FC: The | Autobiography | of | Brandon Hart
1: The Autobiography of Brandon Hart
2: The Toy Box Conundrum | When I was three, I liked to walk around the house naked. One day I reached into the toy box, naked of course, and tipped forward. There I was, caught on the edge of the toy box. Unable to get up or down. My mom took advantage of my vulnerability and took a hilarious picture. She helped me out of course, but not before she gathered the whole family around to laugh at my clumsiness.
4: At my kindergarten graduation, we all wore our blue robes, and received a graduation cap. When I received my cap, I was ecstatic. But the joy was replaced with envy when I noticed my classmate Emily getting her cap. My child's mind led me to believe that her cap was somehow "cooler." During the snack break, I sneaked up behind her, grabbed the cap, and ran. Later my Mom made me apologize, and I gave it back. | Kindergarten Envy
8: Anger Management 2: Art Anger | In second grade, I took an art class at the Art Center in Duvall. The teacher was a big man, who barely ever smiled. His friend was going to enlist in the Army soon, so he thought it would be fun if we all designed helmets. Being children, we fantasized. One kid made a helmet that makes, which in turn shoots fire out of their horns. Another kid made a helmet that shoots guns for you. I decided to stay logical. Everything was impossible, but logical. It had a visor which you could see perfectly well with, and when you saw something, it identified it. If it was an enemy soldier or target, a window would appear on the side of the glasses, filled with information about the person. It displayed weaknesses, strengths, and even the model weapon they possessed. On the side of the helmet was a button that when pushed, attaches a breather to your face, which allows you to breath underwater.
9: Near the end of the project, he asked us to create a food storage unit. Being a creative kid, I took this as food maker. This drove me to create a compartment in the top of the helmet that created a ham and cheese sandwich when it detected the slightest feeling of hunger. When he saw this, the teacher told me again that he meant storage. I again took this as food maker, and changed it to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich maker. He pulled me aside, looked me straight in the eye, and said what he had told me twice before very slowly. I still didn't understand, and changed it to a baloney sandwich maker. At this he freaked out and yelled, “THAT IS IT! I AM DONE WITH YOU! YOU LITTLE SNOT, DEFYING ME IS UNACCEPTABLE! GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND DON'T MOVE UNTIL I TALK WITH YOUR MOTHER!” I cried in the corner for half and hour, until my mom came in the door. I ran out of the corner and pulled her outside. I told her everything, and we left. She told the head of the class about it. A week later, he was fired. The head of the building took his place, and I went back a year later. The class is great and I took it for three years.
12: When I was in 3rd Grade, I went on an RV trip with my grandparents. Some RV's have kitchens, and some don't. My grandparent's had an RV with a kitchen, and it was big. So when we stopped in an RV campground for the night, my brother told me that my Grandpa had caught a bear, and was going to cook it for dinner. Because we had a huge kitchen, I believed him. We proceeded to run off into the nearby forest so I could see the “kill”. When we arrived there was nothing. He admitted it was a joke, and we started to walk back. It took us ten minutes to understand that we were lost, twenty minutes to get to the campground, and an hour to get lost again. The parking spaces were designated by a number and a letter. Each number had twenty parking spots, and the letters went up to S. | The RV Campground of Terror
13: After hours of looking for our parking spot, we gave up, and took shelter under a tree. It started to rain, and we saw our grandparent's car drive out of the park. We ran after it, but it was too fast. There you had it. The saddest thing ever, two small kids yelling “Noooooooo!” while kneeling and crying in the rain. When our grandparent's car pulled up,we realized that the car we had seen was just the same model. When we got back to the RV, we realized it. The RV was in the very next parking spot.
16: The Shirt | In the third grade, I was friends with a boy named Erik. We traveled together, and even trusted each other with our biggest secrets. When Erik and I finished third grade, he decided that he needed to grow up. So he gave me all of his Pokemon cards, action figures, and a shirt. This shirt was the most amazing shirt I had ever seen. It was a shirt with Spider-man on it. I wore it everywhere, on trips, at school, at sleepovers, practically everywhere. I had the time of my life with that shirt, but something horrible happened. I GREW UP!
17: This didn't cause me to outgrow Spider-Man, but at the start of fourth grade I tried to put it on. I went into shock, the thing I loved most in the world was TOO SMALL! I tried to heal the emotional wound by buying all of the Spider-Man merchandise I saw, but it was too late. A week later I outgrew Spider-man, and never looked back.
20: When I was 11, I was filled with envy. All of the break dancers I saw on TV were very good, and I couldn't even do a single head spin. So I started looking for dance classes, and my Mom found one. We looked around the studio, and saw the tap dancers, ballroom dancers, and salsa dancers. I told my Mom that I wanted to dance like the guys on the TV. Now, my Mom doesn't watch the shows I do, and thought I was talking about “So You Think You Can Dance”. So she signed me up for the hip hop dance class. The next week I went to my first class, and right away I knew what my Mom had done. I was the only boy in the class. We warmed up to the Camp Rock soundtrack, and practiced to Justin Bieber. A month into the class, the parents were invited to watch. | The Wrong Choice
21: At the end of class, I looked at her and saw a face full of realization. I begged her to pull me out, but she had prepaid for a whole three months. For another two months, I had to endure the most emasculating experience of my life. We put on a performance at a theater, and I was scared. All of the girls wore sparkly bright hip hop outfits, and I wore black sweatpants and a black shirt. The curtains opened, and I had to shake my hips in the most feminine way possible while “Cinderella” played. Those were the worst three months of my life.
22: February 2007, my cousin Jordyn was born.
23: My trip to Belize was amazing. | I got to sit in the co-pilot's seat on the plane to our island. Again I say, it was amazing.
27: To Be Continued...