S: Ballad Of Dok.Crush or Lady Raymerian ALways Gets Her Man
BC: The End
FC: The Ballad of Dok.Crush or Lady Raymerian Always Gets Her Man
1: Dedicated to the love of my life. My sweet Zelda.
2: It's time... For arson. Mwahahaha!
3: Just another day in the life of heroine and dirigible Captain Lady Raymerian. Flying in her dirigible over the neighbourhoods of Indianapolis, she was able to save a puppy from a firey inferno.
4: "Zounds! What's that you've uncovered, Mr.Head?" "A newspaper, my good Dok, the latest issue of The Pernicious Press. It says here that your *ahem* "a recent" arson plot was foiled by the do-goodings of none other than Lady Raymerian . Looks like she's doing up some follow up investigation as well." "A delight! Yet another hero to vanish! I simply must begin a plot of attack at once!" "Very well, sir. Where would you like to start first?"
5: As yesterday's fire seemed quite suspect (and since there seemed to be quite an uptick in letters between known villains), I decided to return to the scene of the crime. And what did I find?? A super villain sized super lighter. I wonder which super villain is behind this villainy?
6: "I call to order this meeting of the Council of Evil Shadows! Thanks for meeting me on such short notice, my fellow evil gentlemen. I have recently been made aware that the nuisance, Lady Raymerian, has foiled a recent arson plot of my own devising. I simply must request permission of this council to end her meddlesome actions! All in favor, say Aye!" "Aye!" "Aye!" "AAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEE!" "Oh, Galactus! Delighted to see you made it. Well, that's it then. It's decided. I now have an nemesis."
7: A little late night work at the crime lab will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the villain is none other than the nefarious Dok.Crush. Ah HAH!! There are fingerprints! Now where is that file?
8: "Now to devise a plan of attack! What's that you've found, Mr. Head?" "I know your budget has been a little tight lately. Here's a method creating a willing army on the cheap! They'll be extremely effective and won't have to be paid at all!" "Capital idea, my good chum! Show me that passage!"
9: "Ah hah! Here is that dastardly villain's file! Hmm, it's even red. Odd how coordinating that gent is. But, down to business.... Yes! The prints are a match! The code of the League of Do-Gooders dictates that I bring this villain to justice!"
10: "According to the passage, we're going to need just the right combination of chemicals for this spell to work." "You know, Mr.Head, that the arcane arts are not necessarily my forte. I am a man of science! Evil science. Luckily, my PhD in Evil included a minor in sorcery, so this should be no problem." "Can we get on with the spell then? It's getting late and I'm needing a recharge."
11: As every Heroine must, Lady Raymerian has a nice hot cuppa before what must prove to be a most unnatural battle. And, as always, she shares this ritual with her ever faithful and trusty sidekick, Dame Khamir Strada D'Huez XIII
12: "We've finally arrived at the Cogdill Cemetary. You know, they say that Ash Williams is buried out here.." "Silence, Mr. Head! I need absolute concentration to summon these spirits! One false word could ruin the entire encantation!" "Sorry, Dok." "Hmm.. ahh.. Here they are. CLATTO... VERATA... NICTO! Come to me, my EVIL DEAD!"
13: And she's off! Lady Raymerian boldly heads off to face whatever sort of devilry that Dok.Crush has conjured from the depths of evil.
14: "Rise, my minions, rise!!! MWAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAH!"
15: Well, this is indeed a bit of devilry! No doubt some of the villains old colleagues. No worries though! As we all know, one shot to the forehead and it's lights out for any reincarnate dead! Luckily, I have my handy flintlock tucked in my back pocket for just such an occasion.
16: "Dok, it looks like we have an uninvited guest here this evening. May I suggest getting those zombie minions started a little early?" "Excellent idea, Mr. Head! Zombie minions... ATTACK!"
17: "Egads man!! What a sort of devilry! These zombies shall be made a short work with my trusty flintlock, however! "
18: "Well, Mr.Head, do you think this weekend's mission was a success?" "If I'm not mistaken, I hear from the League of Evil Shadows that she did receive some minor injuries, but did manage to escape intact. Perhaps if you had been willing to attack her yourself..." "Balderdash! Any villain worth his salt knows that the killing is always done by the henchmen! Direct attacks are only to be used as a last resort. And I still have many resorts left." "Do you now?" "No backtalk, Mr.Head! Now let's see.. I enjoy the chaos and violence the zombies bring to the table, but I need someone with a little more intelligence. A hah! I have it!"
19: This is not good!! One of those ridiculous Zombie minions got a chunk of me. Not to worry, it looks like the application of Dr. Scattergood's Anti-Zombie Ointment will be made just in time. Not that it is ever very pleasant at all.
20: "So what are we doing here, Dok?" "Why recruitment of course! We can't simply summon up henchmen like we can with Zombies. We have to pay them. And that's why we're at Worker's Union 722- The Union for Landlocked Pirates" "Oh. Wait, what?"
21: "Wake up M'Lady!! Wake up!!! There are important things afoot! Firstly, this mouse which has crawled under your head" "Hmmmpgh. bad zombie. grrrmph. ow. pirates. bmmh. zzzzzzzz" "Miiir. This is pointless. OOhhh, I got the mouse!!!"
22: ""Avast! What be the purpose of this parley? And why ye be armed?" "First off, this place is a lot nicer looking inside than it is outside. Secondly, I need your finest pirates (within a reasonable price) for a quality henching this weekend, against my nemesis, the LadyRaymerian. And thirdly, aren't you armed?" "YARRR! Fair 'nuff. But yes. On the condition that ye be bringing us a quality booty of our own choosin'." "Sounds fair. I take it you'll be needing some gold of some variety? Dubloons?" "Nay, instead, I would like you t' fill this treasure chest full o' black jellybeans! I'm starving, and we've already fulled our quota for doubloons this quarter!" "Absolutely! Sounds like a deal."
24: "So, remind me again why we're here at The Velvet Hustle Candy Shop getting these black jellybeans again, Dok?" "To pay the Head of the Landlocked Pirate Union, of course, for services to be rendered. We have to have quality henchmen to fight Lady Raymerian this weekend, and you're just a bit too diminutive, Mr.Head." "So they actually like black jellybeans? I didn't think anyone liked them." "Of course not. But Union 722 is attempting a more family-friendly approach to torture, and black jellybeans are the perfect approach. They briefly considered using circus peanuts or candy corn, but they were deemed too far grotesque forms of torture. Certain focus groups actually begged to be water-boarded. You simply have to love corporate approaches to pirating... much more civilized than the olden days." "I suppose."
25: *YAWNNN* "Wow, that was one wicked nightmare. I think I might have tried to eat Mustache Domo's brains." "Indeed Lady. Lucky me I was off chasing mousers all night." "Well, I'm going to need a massive cuppa tea to get me back to rights." "Indeed, those pirates might actually put up more of a fight than those Zombies. And, they are known for being fairly well armed."
26: Wait, are you kidding me? We really got paid in black jellybeans?" "Yeah, what of it? We need it for our new torture program." "Completely ridiculous. I declare mutiny! Have at ye!" "Drat. Looks like I'll have to take on Lady Raymerian myself. Or, I could make a timely escape. Such a tough decision..."
27: "Alrighty you Land Lubbing..." "Arr, it be Land LOCKED" "Whatever, just walk the plank. Your Evil Villain Boss is running away like a girl!"
28: "But you ran away, Dok!" "Nevermind your naysaying, Mr.Head. I have to be accompanied by some sort of henchmen, you know the Code of Villainy. And when Rusty Nail mutinied against Cap'n Dingus, I no longer had any henchmen. Besides, how was I supposed to defend myself from Lady Raymerian and her flintlock with nothing but my cane? Now, if you don't mind, I need to catch up on some sleep after all that running. You know I'm not used to all that physical activity. I'm more of a thinking man's villain." "That's what I tell all the other sidekicks, Dok. I'll stay here and watch guard. Do you need Red Robot to keep you company?" "Of course. Now cease your endless babbling." "Yes, sir.
29: "OOhhh, another trophy for the armaments wall M'Lady?" "Indeed it is, Dame Khamir. I think it looks a bit dashing here above the wands of those evil wizards we vanquished last month." "I still don't see why you won't let me have that lowest one. Technically speaking, I was the one who vanquished that wizard, so that wand IS mine" "Oh, come now Dame Khamir, you know the Code of Wand Use, Clause Three- 'No non-human entity is permitted a wand'. And honestly, I really don't need you conjuring up all manner of toy mice."
30: "I have it! At last! I have deduced the correct method to recruit the perfect henchman!" "You've reached the Council of Evil Shadows Hench Support. Please press 1 to contact someone regarding zombies." "Been there, done that. Meh." "Please press 2 to contact the Union of Landlocked Pirates." "Definitely not making that mistake again. Those blundering dolts couldn't find their posterior with two hands and a torch." "Please press 3 to contact the Guild of Caucasian Ninjas." "That sounds vaguely promising. Let's go with that." "You've selected 3 for the Guild of Caucasian Ninjas. Please hold." "OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL EVIL! Elevator music! Blast!"
31: A perfect assemblage to show my daring and my skill in flight- a skull flanked by two wings.
32: "Let's see, Hench Support said to look for a dark alley covered in ominous-looking fencing in order to find Master Ozuhiro. And this a rather ominous-looking fence." "I don't know, Dok. It looks kinda of scary." "Of course it looks scary. We're meeting one of the top men in the field of Black Ninjitsu. Of course he lives in a scary looking place. He's a villain for crying out loud! Villains don't live in quaint little cottages!" | "Oh yeah, good point. Oh wait, aren't you forgetting something?" "What is it now?" "You have that request from the Council of Evil Shadows..." "Huh?" "You have to get your portrait taken..." "Oh yeah. Fine, we'll run over there real quick. But if I end up in line behind Galactus, we're coming back on a different day."
33: It would seem that I was on the right track. But, now it seems to have doubled back on itself. What could the Dastardly Dok.Crush be up to?? This appears to be the lair of Master Ozuhiro, what with all the dark alley covered in ominous-looking fencing. Egads!! He must be employing the Black Ninjitsu!! Well, I know just the remedy for that!
34: "I didn't know I was going to make it into the yearbook photo!" "Drat. I knew I forgot something. You're supposed to be in the Council of Dimly Lit Sidekicks yearbook. I hope you don't mind being stuck on the page with myself and all the other evil doctors." "No, I think I look right at home on your hat. Besides, it is quite rare that we are ever seen apart. Excellent choice of purple shirt as well." "It just so happened to be purple shirt day. Nevermind. Now to find our connection with the Guild of Caucasian Ninjas. It looks like our previously scouted location has been compromised by Lady Raymerian. We'll have to meet somewhere far less aesthetically pleasing. Drat."
35: "Ooooh, is that Sishimi Mice that I smell M'Lady?" "Actually, yes it is. Thought it only appropriate what with all the Ninja fighting set for this weekend." "So the nefarious Dok.Crush really was headed down that ominous alleyway to meet with the head the Guild of Caucasian Ninjas?" "I can only assume. Oddly, I followed the trail to a photographers studio. Seemed to specialize in yearbook photos." "Well, quit teasing me and give me that mouser all ready."
36: "Glad we were finally make your acquaintance, Master Ozuhiro. Sorry about the delay in our arrival, but we had a previously scheduled engagement we had forgotten about." "That's fine. No problem. I'm sorry. How can I help you today?" "I'm in need of a quality ninja for some basically henchmen duties. Do you think you have a quality ninja available for the job?" | "Absolutely. We train only the finest Caucasian ninjas here, trained by Taiwan's finest. He will meet you tomorrow right about this time." "Where?" "Wherever you are. He is ninja! He will find you." "Delightful! Now here's some shadow dollar bills to pay you with. It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Master Ozuhiro." "Excellent! I've always wanted to get my hands on the official currency of the Guild of Evil Shadows. Now I can finally purchase those sweet orange pants I've been missing."
37: "Off to fight these ridiculous henchmen again. This bike might be old, but it is speedy"
38: ""Alright, this is our quarry. The unsuspecting Lady Raymerian. She has absolutely no idea we're waiting here behind these bushes. Great work on the approach, Stabby O'Shankins." "Not a problem. But let's get moving before she gets wise to our location." "Excellent. Mwahahahahah!" "Try to keep a can on the evil laughter here. We're trying to be stealthy." "Oh, okay. Good point."
39: "Ahah! There is that evil laugh I was waiting for! Have at you!" "Oh no! I have broken the Ninja Code of Stealth!" "Forget your blasted code, and slice her head off!!"
40: "Blasted Caucasian Ninja!! YEEEEOOOOUUUUCCHHH!" (Insert Appropriate Sound Effect for Kicked In The Face) "Haha! I've defeated your Ninja! What now, Dok.Crush?"
41: "Haha! You are defeated, Caucasian Ninja!" "Defeated by a woman? The code of Black Ninjitsu dictates that I must rip my own still beating heart out." *appropriate sound of still beating heart being ripped out* "That's just odd. And there's Dok.Crush running away again!"
42: "Allright, Mr.Head. So what went wrong this weekend? I had the perfect dubious plot. Where did I go wrong?" "I don't know how to put this, Dok. But maybe it's time to start fighting your own battles. Drop the henchmen already. They're always blundering oafs that just can't get the job done. I feel like you would do better on your own." "You know, Mr.Head, I think you might actually be right on this one. And I think I know just how to do it."
43: "This old flintlock is sure seeing a lot of use these days. Going to need a good polishing to get rid of this powder buildup"
44: To Her Majesty, The Lady Raymerian, I formally challenge you to the severest of all duels. The Giant Robot Death Match. That is all. Vehemently, Dok.Crush
45: "Ahhhh, nothing like some tasty Mexican food and an ice cold A.J.Stephans after a long days work."
46: "Hopefully this Same-Day Air Dirigible Mail is worth the costly fee. I'm starting to run low on jellybeans and time is running short." "Never fear, Dok. I'm pretty sure Lady Raymerian will get this just in time."
47: "Excellent. Another intelligent consumer using our fairly-priced Same-Day Air Dirigible Mail service. Wait, what? It's addressed to me? And it smells strange... almost.. of evil. Or is that lavender?"
48: "So I need to build a Giant Killer Robot and I'm a little low on jellybeans. Any ideas, Mr.Head?" "Well, you just recently moved. And you've got all these cardboard boxes just laying around at your old apartment. What say we harness the power of cardboard robotics?" "Mr.Head, I think that is the worst idea in the world. But you know what? I don't have any better ideas. It will have to do. And I'm sure it'll be better than anything Lady Raymerian can build on short notice." "Uh.. thanks?"
49: "I still don't understand why I don't get a mask." "Never mind that. You're obviously not dead yet. There are more important things afoot anyhow. Let's see here. 'To Her Majesty, The Lady Raymerian,' That's CAPTAIN Lady Raymerian. 'I formally challenge you to the severest of all duels. The Giant Robot Death Match. That is all.' Ohh, so scary. I'm shaking in my very boots. 'Vehemently,' Wow, he's breaking out the Vehemently. What's next? A proposal? 'Dok.Crush' I really do doubt the credibility of the institution that gave that lunatic a PHD." | "So, M'Lady, what do you plan to do?? Surely you can't defeat a robot as easily as the last three henchfolk, it may well be equipped with ray guns or the like." "Hmmm, I think I might know someone I can lean on." "But M'Lady, he's so young. Not even a teenager." "Oh, he is now. He is a Teenagerobot "
50: "At last! The Giant Killer Robot Moustache is complete! Now where did that enormous pair of glasses run off to?"
51: "So glad I invested in this Docking Station downtown for the Crimson Ghost. Running a bit late to meet with Teenage Robot, I'll have to pedal fast to make it."
52: "So, Lady Raymerian. We finally meet, face to face. Or, robot to robot. You are a most worthy nemesis, but I find this battle tiresome. Let's get this over with. sMOUSTACHERman Bot Attack!"
53: "I find myself in a similar predicament. This month has been rather tiring. Luckily, my ally Teenage Robot is here to pick up the slack. Teenage Robot .. Do Battle!"
54: "Blast. And here I thought the sMOUSTACHErman Bot had so much promise. I should have known you'd find out his one weakness... box cutters. Drat. Confound it. Befuddlement. That TeenageRobot is far much too intelligent and well-illustrated. You've defeated my robot, but this Death Match is far from over. Are you ready for Round 2?"
55: "A delight to help as always, Lady Raymerian. A bit sad to see sMOUSTACHErman defeated in battle, though. That good chap is hilarious. TeenageRobot AWAY!!!!!"
56: "I notice that we are almost nearly matched at gunplay. Perhaps we should move on to swords?" "Indeed!"
57: "Your swordplay is fantastic! Egads! You nearly got my pinkie!" "As planned." "Well, Lady Raymerian, since we're nearly equals in fighting, it appears we have reached a stalemate. So I have an entirely different proposition for you."
58: "We are most nearly matched in humour, skill, looks, determination, dexterity, resourcefulness, and sensibility. These are far too many conflicting factors to ignore. I, therefore, propose that instead of being enemies, we should be friends. Good friends. In fact, I propose that I propose. Let's be wed. What do you say?"
59: "Hmmmmmmm, seems logical to me. Might have to re-christen the Crimson Ghost.... perhaps the Crimson and Violet Ghost? Minor details anyhow. Sure, why not."