1: To: My Family and Friends, thanks for being there and to know what I've gone through. To other's that have gone through what I've gone through, trust me you're not alone.
2: I woke up in the hospital not remembering how i got there. | my brother and mother were there. | #1
3: My memory slowly started to come back to me. "There was a guy who filmed it." | Michael told me. I look at my arm... theres nothing there but a stump now. I hope it'll get easier
4: People keep sending me "guilt" cards and flowers. I'm still in the hospital. I'm starting therapy. My teacher's name is Jeb. | He gave me this journal. I'm suppose to write about how I feel. How can I when alls I feel is one thing Pain. | #2
5: Is all i feel. I lost my arm what else am i supose to feel? I feel like the whole world and | everyone on it is against me. ' I wish I stopped and helped that woman with the two boys.'
6: I'm still in the hospital. But it's my second to last day. I hope. ' I still reach for that book on my blanket or | for a tissue with my hand. But then I realize it's not there(1).' | #3
7: In therapy i met a young boy whose about 10 or 9, named Justin. He lost both of his legs in a car accident. I feel | bad for him. But he doesn't seem to mind that he had lost them. He talks about his home and his dog, Spot. I just listen. | #4
8: Today Justin asked me to draw him a picture. It really hit me and I didn't want to yell at him. ' I can't.' | Is all I could say. ' Why not?' 'My arm.' ' Oh, draw with the other.' ' I can't.' I wish he would just | #5 | #5
9: drop it. ' You could try to.' He suggested. I can't I tell myself never again can I draw. My mom | visits me and i secretly tried to draw a horse. But it had big knees and eyes to small for it's big head.
10: It's Justin's last day here. I'm sad I won't have anyone to play cards with. I watch him through my | window. He stops and waves to me and i waved to him. We can always hang out. | #6
11: Sorry i haven't been writing the one nurse I've been getting along with always stops by. 'These are such beautiful | flowers. Don't you think?' My hospital room was a constant smell of roses or some other kind of flower. | #7
12: My last day. In the hospital. 'I'm Standing here staring at my hospital bed as if it's a lifeboat(82).' | 'When we got home 'nothing seemed familiar(89).'Not even how my coloring pencils just how they sat. | #8
13: 'I remember the water was cold. Goose bumps rose up my arms. A wave slapped me and i tasted salt. | I stood there, up to my chest, moving my arms like I was treading water. I look back. Mom waved. I turned away without waving back, And moved father from shore. | #9
14: 'Always hurrying(91)'. Thats my fault. I know i need to learn to think somethings through. Take | things slow. Relax the mind. But that's not me. I rush. Rush like a bee in a hive nest. | #10
15: You know its 'funny. I come home one arm lighter(92).' And you think i can dodge a bullet. | But instead I'm bumping into things and my brother and mom. I still feel pain but now worthless too. | #11
16: I want to look up some famous quotes. Maybe they'll help me."You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid | the consequences of avoiding reality.- Ayn Rand. True. I can't avoid reality forever. | #12
17: Or there's this one:Do or Do not. There is no "try".-Yoda. There's no try in the word do but you have to try to do. | Today my dog Mabel and I watched t.v. all day. I had nothing to do and my mom does everything now.
18: Again I looked up quotes. I feel down, depressed. Thinking maybe they'll open my eyes.And tell me not everything was taken from me.Just me arm. | "If you are going through he** keep going."-Sir Winston Churchill. Why? There's no"light at the end of the tunnel". | #13
19: School starts soon and rache called me.(150) 'Nervous?'she asks.i think to myself well yeah i don't know whats | going to be said or how-well i know how people will look at me. All bug eyed.' uh yeah. Just a little' | #14
20: Every night i have nightmares of that day. I'm in the ocean. Everything is fine. Then that big, grey blob appears. I try | to scream but my throat is swollen.Swollen shut with fear. The shark grabs my arm with it's teeth.Again i try to scream. | #15
21: I always end up waking up tangled and scared. And i look for inspiration.'It's kind of fun to do the impossible.'-Walt | Disney.But what's impossible to one person is possible to another.Am I right? slowly get back into my own swing before school starts.Possible? | #16
22: Again i woke up afraid. I'm never going in the water or drawing again. Never."Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money". | - George Burns. I can't make money in bed but i'd rather be in bed where no one can see me. Or bother me.I want to be left alone. Alone. | #17
23: I hate that stupid shark.I hate that i rush. I hate that it was me who lost the arm.It should have been Micheal not me. | "You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you." - Leon Trotsky. I see that a war within me will soon build up and explode. One side of me is saying that everything is different now the other half says you have to get use to it. | #18
24: Different.Won-der. If you had helped that lady. The one with the tray of hot dogs. But oh, no. You couldn't be bothered. | I know i should have. But I was... She was fat. You were embarrassed for her bc she was fat(98). | #19
25: I try to fill this journal that Mel gave me. It will help, he said, Writing a bit each day, sparsely. The words don't come easily(106).As | you can see i can only write about my story and how i feel.Which isn't really happy go lucky.I always think of negative things like i can never draw again. | #20
26: 'A Letter from Mary, Age 7. Dear Jane, I saw the pictures on TV. Mom says you lost your arm. Your right one. The doctors cut my arm, I got all better.Are you | all better now?I have a new arm.I named her Patty. I can play at the park with all my friends like i used to.I'm on the soccer team.Patty helps me do a lot of things.After I | #21
27: was all better, my mom and dad and i had a funeral for my arm.We played music and made a grave and i put flowers from our garden on the grave.It was nice. My real arm was | not in the grave. The doctors threw it away already.But we pretended. Maybe you should have a pretend funeral, too.So you can sat good-bye. My mom wrote this letter for me.But I
28: can write by myself. Love, Mary(22). So there are others like me?And Mary, who is so young, poor little girl.But I'm so sick and tiered of these letters!If i | read one more i swear I'm going to puke!
29: Dear Mary, Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry it's taking me this long to write back.I've had lots to do. Congratulations on beating cancer.I'm | sure that must have been scary.How is Patty?I have a new arm,too.I took your advice,Mary, I had a funeral for my arm.It was a private one,and i didn't really make a grave.I got out my | #22
30: photo albums instead and looked at all the old pictures of me.I looked at my arm, the one that is gone, in all those pictures, and then i did what you said.I said good-bye.We started a new photo album | today,and we have lots of pictures to put inside.We have lots of empty spaces in the album for all the things we'll do this summer,too.Thank you for writing. You are a special
31: girl to try and help someone you don't even know.I hope you and patty have a great soccer season, and many, many days at the park. Your Friend, Jane' | 'Stay Gold, Ponyboy.Stay Gold'-S.E.Hinton. People who have had to lose an arm or a leg or both arms or legs, you're not alone there are others out there that had to go | #23
32: through what you did.So don't feel so alone and don't push people who try to help you away.you'll only hurt yourself even more.And to my family.Thank you for worrying but i | am perfectly fine. Uncle Ben thank you for the supportive advice. And Aunt Karen again i am fine thank you for caring about me. Thank you for the calls and visits.
33: Mom. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there when i woke up. Thank you for staying even when i wanted to be left alone.Thank you for understanding me even though you've never been through this. | Thank you for loving me.I love you.Michael thank you for also being there when i woke up.Thank you for showing me i can still do things even if i only have one arm. Thank you for not yelling at me when times were tough for all of us.Thank you for also being The Man of The House