S: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
BC: August 7, 2011 | VOLUME 1
FC: A book made just for you <3 | Callie Lynn
1: 1. Cheer Up, Buttercup 2. School Ruins My Life 3. No Place Like Home 4. Yoga Master 5. Exercise, Exercise, Exercise 6. Hakuna Matata 7. In Your Dreams 8. I'm This Many 9. TOTM 10. Blame it on the Alcohol 11. Technology 12. FML | Table of Contents
2: CHEER UP, BUTTERCUP! Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985 Dear lady in front of me with the six screaming kids under the age of 9, You see that box of condoms that mysteriously appeared in your cart? You're welcome. Sincerely, A Good Samaritan Dear Teenagers, Who is this girl, and how does everyone know what she says?! Sincerely, Confused Adults Dear Rose, I was actually hoping we could've taken turns on the raft. Sincerely, Jack Dear butt and thighs, Please share the wealth a little. Sincerely, boobs. Dear Nazis, You did what?!?! I said I hate JUICE! Sincerely, Hitler Dear human, You get mad at me if I wake you, you get mad at me if I don't. Sincerely, confused alarm clock. Dear people with one leg, We are now hiring! Sincerely, IHOP
3: A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." "Well, I can see you are not eating right." | "Whenever I'm sad, I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story." “Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!” “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.” “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.” “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”
4: School Ruins My Life | One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself' | On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
5: Dear Students, I know when you're texting. Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles Dear Teacher, Not an assignment you can finish the night before? We'll see about that... Sincerely, Challenge Accepted Dear Grammar, I iz sry 4 evrythn i dun 2 u. Sincerely, Texting Dear Math Teacher, Please stop stapling Burger King job applications to my tests. Sincerely, Struggling Student Dear students, Weed only makes YOU high. Sincerely, GPA Dear Homework, Game Over. Sincerely, Facebook Dear World, Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good when you're doing it, but in the end you're just screwing yourself. Sincerely, an experienced procrasturbater | As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus. Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working. The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms. 75 point question: Which tire was flat?
6: No Place Like Home | "The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." -Erma Bombeck
7: Dear people who complain about our generation, Remember who raised us. Sincerely, your kids Dear parents who tell me not to lie, Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy. Sincerely, your teenage daughter Dear dad, Please stop, this game of 'got your nose' has gone on far too long. Sincerely, Voldemort | "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. " -Desmond Tutu
8: Yoga gives you the same benefits as drinking.... | YOGA | A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
9: Exercise, Exercise, Exercise | Dear hot girl on the treadmill in front of me, Thank you for making me run an extra 2 miles. Sincerely, didn't come here for the cardio | Dear Diets, Hahahahahaha! Sincerely, The Holidays | "I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, of course not. I said, well, I think you stink. And he gave me a technical. You can't trust 'em. " | "My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team."
10: HAKUNA MATATA | Dear Sleeping Beauty, I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up. Sincerely, Mulan | Dear Prince Charming, You've got some explaining to do! Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty | Dear Mufasa, I thought you would land on your feet like all cats do... MY BAD. Sincerely, Scar | Dear Snow White, You were supposed to learn from my mistake! Sincerely, Eve | Dear Justin Bieber, Don't worry, we'll be real boys some day... Sincerely, Pinocchio
11: Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous. Dear Waldo, Please return my invisibility cloak ASAP. Sincerely, H. Potter Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic Dear Bella, Please get a brain, I'd really like to be able to read your mind. Sincerely, Edward Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Unicorns, That's what you get for rejecting my friend request on Facebook. Sincerely, Noah Dear Handsome, Funny, Nice, Straight Guys, A meteor got us. What happened to you? Sincerely, Dinosaurs Dear perfect boyfriend, Welcome to the club! Sincerely, Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy Dear Santa, Yeah, turns out it was just a zit... Sincerely, Rudolph | IN YOUR DREAMS
12: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." | I'm This Many | A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Daaaaad.." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
13: Ding Ding! Here comes the sh*t-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of sh*t. | That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. | Rachael, Age 7 | John, Age 8 | This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random sh*t onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've peed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. | Jason, Age 6 | When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
14: Dear Men, If we have to have periods every month, you guys should be kicked in the balls once a month. Sincerely, Women Dear Moses, I part the red sea every month. Don't see me bragging about it. Sincerely, Tampons Dear women of the world, You think your time of the month is bad... Sincerely, werewolves | Time Of The Month | Top 13 Things PMS Stands For 1.Pass My Shotgun 2.Psychotic Mood Shift 3.Pack My Stuff 4.Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 5.Perpetual Munching Spree 6.Puffy Mid-Section 7.People Make Me Sick 8.Provide Me with Sweets 9.Pardon My Sobbing 10.Pimples May Surface 11.Pass My Sweatpants 12.Pissy Mood Syndrome 13.Plainly Men Suck | Dear little sister, No matter what mom says, your period is not a "glorious shedding of new life." It is hell. Sincerely, your realistic older sister
15: Dear genitals, Thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man | Dear Women, Please stop thinking you have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. Those magazines got it all wrong. No one ever told them that beauty is also on the inside. Be confident and happy with yourself. Some guy out there is going to fall in love with everything about you. Sincerely, a real man | Dear Girls, We hate periods too. Sincerely, Commas Dear Cupcakes, The fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says a lot about your self-esteem. Sincerely, Muffins
16: Dear Tequila, We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, funnier, and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk. Sincerely, College Student Dear Dignity, Yeah, sorry about that. Sincerely, Alcohol Dear students, You can't read my handwriting on your papers because I needed an entire bottle of vodka before your paper made any sense. Sincerely, your professor | Blame it on the alcohol | A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze? The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
17: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are.
18: Technology | Dear Romeo, Did you get my text? It was super important. Sincerely, Juliet | A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
19: Dear Drunken College Student, Please don't push my buttons, you'll regret it tomorrow. Sincerely, Your Cell Phone | Dear Facebook users, New rule: If you wouldn't shout it in a crowded room, you probably shouldn't post it as your status. Sincerely, the world
20: FML | Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring, the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML Today, I had a job interview. When I got there, the lady interviewing me shook my hand and said, 'Hello, I'm gay.' I found this strange and I didn't know what to say, so I stated, 'Aw, it's OK, I support you.' She looked pretty offended, and I realized why when I found out that her name was Gaye. FML Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML Today, my toddler stood up in the shopping cart and fell giving himself a black eye. Later while at a restaurant he tried to stand up in his highchair. I quickly blurted out "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. Now the waiter won't stop glaring at me. FML Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML | Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to "cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair". FML Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes he did! He's lying I saw him drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML
21: HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY CALLIEKINS! | "When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us?" | You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye And I love you so and I want you to know That I'll always be right here And I love to sing sweet songs to you Because you are so dear | Wishing you the best birthday yet. I love you with my whole heart. <3 Alanna