S: Legends of Baby Jack
BC: WITH LOVE, Your Cousins Amy & Emily Peterson December 2009
FC: Legends of Baby Jack
1: Dedicated to Baby Jack Blaney, who does not have books written about him, because the words simply arrange themselves out of fear.
2: Baby Jack once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. | On December 3, 2008, a naked Baby Jack re-entered the earth's atmosphere, | streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. | An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him $20.
3: Baby Jack can slam a revolving door. --- Crop circles are Baby Jack’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. --- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Baby Jack could use to kill you, including the room itself.
4: Baby Jack can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. ~~~--- Baby Jack ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one. --- There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Baby Jack lives in North Carolina.
5: The Great Wall of China was created to keep Baby Jack out. It failed miserably.
6: If you spell "Baby Jack" in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
7: Baby Jack doesn't wear a watch; he decides what time it is. --- Baby Jack can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. --- Baby Jack was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
8: Baby Jack is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. --- Baby Jack has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. --- Baby Jack doesn't mow his lawn; he stands outside and dares it to grow.
9: Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Jacktatorship.
10: Baby Jack doesn't churn butter – he kicks the cow and butter comes straight out.
11: There is no such thing as tornadoes. Baby Jack just hates trailer parks. --- Death once had a near-Baby-Jack experience. --- Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Baby Jack likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
12: Baby Jack once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine. --- When Baby Jack falls in water, Baby Jack doesn't get wet. Water gets Baby Jack. --- Baby Jack runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
13: It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true, if you want to call Baby Jack a giant meteor.
14: When Baby Jack was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he punched the building so hard it became a Wendy's.
15: The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Baby Jack. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. --- Baby Jack can do a wheelie on a unicycle. --- Once, a cobra bit Baby Jack's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
16: Baby Jack can speak Braille. --- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Baby Jack can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. --- Baby Jack is one-fourth Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the kid ate an Indian.
17: Contrary to popular belief, Baby Jack, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, diaper rash, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car seat.
18: Baby Jack has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a "Get Out of Jail Free" Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
19: Baby Jack can kill two stones with one bird. --- If you have five dollars and Baby Jack has five dollars, Baby Jack has more money than you. --- Baby Jack can touch MC Hammer.