S: Alyssa The Adventurer
FC: Alyssa The Adventurer | Featuring: Diega the Gullible
1: Need: Banana Backpack Compass Map Friends | Traveling through Italy | Written by: Sasha, Sam, Stacy Contibutors: Marrissa, Schmegan, Mother Megan, Amanda Illustrated and Colored by: Sasha, Stacy, Sam, Mother Megan
2: nce upon a time.... | In the year of the platypus, there lived an interesting specimen named Alyssa (also known by her aboriginal name, Gooreedeena Diggle Parramatt or her ghetto name Croutanda P-squared). She was four fifths turtle and one eighth squid, but when she was a wee inker, she drank a people potion.
3: Now she takes the appearance of a people.
4: Current Year of the Platypus | Now back to the current year of the platypus: Alyssa decided to voyage to Italy across the pond, traveling with her squidy brethren and leaving the Wood of Edge from whence she came. However, she left behind many sad friends who decided to chronicle her story. And this--- this is her story.... | Ciao Italia
6: In Italy, Alyssa the Adventurer lived with Diega, her gullible sidekick, in the impenetrable Italian Embassy blanket fort. It was Alyssa’s job to make sure that Diega didn’t get smushed by pizzas. Pizza storms are very common in Italy; the really bad storms have potatoes in them. Anyway, Alyssa had a very important mission: to go back to the Wood of Edge to see her inmates. To do that, she would need to surpass the many perilous (and stinky) obstacles in front of her.
7: First, she would have to venture through the Land of Pope. The Pope was the cruel leader of the Cat-Licks, and he lived in a magical palace called the Catican; he grew his magical land from a lowly peanut named Goober. He hated intruders, especially Adventurers, but Alyssa would have to get past the Pope and his minions, the Bee-Shops, to get to her next destination.
8: Next, Alyssa would encounter the Leaning Tower of Pisa. She didn't know it yet, but she would have to answer the questions of Slagathor, the blond-haired sloth with a caterpillar mustache who inhabited the tower, to get to the third perilous obstacle. She and Diega would have to be sure not to be hit by a "pisa" that tower!
9: Finally, Alyssa would have to traverse the treacherous Arno River in Florence without being eaten by the vicious jelly beans that inhabited the Arno River. To do this, she would need the mystical jalapeño of Stacy, which she would have to carve into a gondola; the mystical jalapeno had super powerful juices that would blind the jelly beans so that they couldn’t see or attack Alyssa and Diega.
10: One day, Alyssa and Diega decided to embark on this perilous endeavor because they had received a very important message through owl post from the U.S. Embassy blanket fort in the Wood of Edge. She had to use owl post because the spies who tried to penetrate the fort system had not yet figured out how to use owls; the owls just kept biting them and pooping on them when they tried to send post. Anyway, the message said that Alyssa and Diega had to come back immediately to fetch a soda for Swiper and because Boots found a funny-shaped pickle that resembled Lady Gaga. And so they set off on their adventure with Alyssa’s backpack and utility belt on hand.
12: Meanwhile back at the Wood of Edge... Boots and Swiper were going on their own adventure to find fun toys for the mystery package that they were sending Alyssa and to visit the wise cow lord, Dung, who had a surprisingly large and long tongue. The cow lord lived in a place called Orange Tree; he longed to be freed by some silly squib, but so far, no one had wanted him for he was stinky. He could not leave on his own because he had no body. Anyway, when Boots and Swiper arrived at Orange Tree, Dung gave them a warning, “Beware of the rising rain!”
13: But Boots and Swiper laugh in the face of danger so they ignored Dung’s warning. They left the store with their gifts for Alyssa. As they were walking back to the Wood of Edge, a giant man-eating slug sneezed as it slid past them, spraying them with squelchy goobers and ooze. Boots and Swiper should have listened to Dung! But who wants to listen to a stinky cow head?
14: Back in Italy... To begin their journey, Alyssa and Diega had to consult Map. Map lived in Alyssa’s sparkly blue backpack named Backpack; Map shared vital organs with Compass who also lived in Backpack. Map told them that they would have to pass the Land of Pope, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and the Arno River to get home. Compass reminded them to brush their teeth and to go potty before their long journey. Backpack, though, was busy chomping on some Reese’s peanut butter cups in the corner. After Backpack stopped eating, Alyssa shoved Map and Compass back into Backpack and headed out the door.
16: Soon, Alyssa and Diega had reached the Land of Pope. They were about to enter the cursed land when a loud bang suddenly rang out. Standing in front them was a skinny boy with unruly black hair and knobby knees. He also had a weird scar on his head and was holding a stick. He pointed his stick high into the sky and said, “I am the Chosen One. I am Harry Potter, and I will help you through the Land of Pope.”
17: Alyssa and Diega shrugged and kept walking while the weirdo continued to stand with his stick in the air. They continued into the Land of Pope, being careful to avoid the Bee-shops who patrolled the city night and day. But Alyssa and Diega had a fool proof plan. They were going to dress up like monkeys because everyone knows that Bee-shops can’t see monkeys, but they can see apes. The difference between an ape and a monkey is that if it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey even if it has a monkey kind of shape. Alyssa and Diega had spent eons making sure that their costumes were a monkey kind of shape and did have a tail.
18: They put on their monkey costumes and began to walk through the labyrinth of the Catican, swinging from the trees and making monkey sounds for kicks and giggles. The Bee-shops continued business as usual until Alyssa said, “Oh, poop! I forgot the bananas!” Suddenly, Bee-shops swarmed around Diega and Alyssa’s tree, buzzing angrily. Apparently when potty words are uttered in the Land of Pope, the Bee-Shops know where you are even if you are disguised as a monkey. It would only be a matter of time before the Pope himself came with an army of Cat-licks behind him.
20: Suddenly, Alyssa had an idea! Having a great knowledge of Pepper Spray, she sprayed some that she had with her onto her finger and poked the Bee-shops in their eyes one by one. The Bee-shops buzzed in pain while Alyssa and Diega made their escape, but they could hear the war chant of the approaching Cat-lick army led by their fearsome leader the Pope. Alyssa and Diega knew they had to get out of the Catican before the Pope blessed them so they ran as fast as they could. Soon they reached the outskirts of the Catican. But the Pope was close behind! At long last, they broke free of the Catican while the Pope did not follow them for if he left the Catican, he would turn into... BACON. Nom Nom Nom!!!
22: Alyssa and Diega were well on their way to the next destination when Alyssa stopped to buy some fabulous, groovy yellow pants from a vendor who they had passed. She put her new pants into Backpack. All of the sudden, Backpack wiggled and puked up the pants, saying, “I can’t eat those! Are you trying to kill me? I’m allergic to polyester! It eats my lining Alyssa tried to apologize, but Backpack still pretended to cry. Diega had an idea! She gave Backpack a Disney princess sticker and some crayons to eat; immediately, Backpack stopped crying. Alyssa and Diega were careful to never feed Backpack polyester again.
23: On their way to the next location, they passed a giant egg! It was the Egg of Gaga; it just hadn’t hatched yet, but it was born that way. Anyway, they proceeded to the Leaning Tower of Pisa which they could now see. Just as they were about to pass the tower, a blond haired sloth with a caterpillar mustache popped out of a bush and said, “Answer me these questions three ere the other side she see!” Alyssa and Diega jumped back in shock. Map hadn’t told them about the sloth named Slagathor!! They weren’t ready for a pop quiz!
24: Alyssa scowled and said, “Fine, what are your questions, stinky?” The sloth sniffed himself and shrugged; he didn’t stink that bad, did he? He decided he smelled okay, but then he developed body dysmorphic disorder.Then he asked his first question, “What is your name?” “My name is Alyssa the Adventurer, and this is Diega the Gullible,” Alyssa said. “Okie dokie, then. What is your quest?” he continued. “We are trying to get back to the Wood of Edge to see a pickle shaped like Lady Gaga and to get Swiper a soda,” she explained. “Um okay,” he said, looking confused, and then he asked,“What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” He looked pretty sneaky when he asked this last question, thinking that Alyssa and Diega couldn’t answer him correctly and then he could eat them.
25: “Really? That’s your question? Really?” Alyssa asked him, thinking he was a bit challenged. Then she answered, “What kind of swallow? Is it African or European?” The sloth paused and scratched his caterpillar mustache who crawled off his face angrily. “Well I don’t know that!” he said.
26: As he said this, he was flung up into the air and imploded on impact with the ground. Alyssa and Diega then decided that with him gone, they could stop and take silly pictures in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After they took many silly pictures, they passed the Leaning Tower with ease. Little did they know that the sloth’s caterpillar mustache was following them.
28: Alyssa and Diega felt an earthquake! But then they realized that it was just their tummies so they stopped for a snack of Batman gummies. Diega soon became full and tossed her remaining gummies into a bush. Suddenly, Compass burst out of Backpack and squawked, “Don’t waste that! You should never waste food, Diega!” Compass poked her face and made Diega go get the fruit snack. However, Diega couldn’t seem to find the fallen gummy. It was as if it had grown feet and scurried away. Compass grumpily jumped into Backpack and said, “Let’s get going before that buffoon wastes any more snacks!” Then Map said loudly, “Yea, we still have one more destination! Can’t you walk any faster?” Alyssa and Diega quickly resumed their journey.
30: “...and then I took PJ and made him fart in Boots’ face!!!” Alyssa said, laughing like a silly billy. BANG! All of the sudden, a lightning bolt of silly string struck the sneaky caterpillar mustache who had still been following them, and the caterpillar mustache flipped into the air and turned into Darth Vader!! Mon Dieu!
32: “YOU SHALL NOT PASSSSSS...the Arno River!” he spewed epically. There was a moment of awkward silence. Then, Alyssa screamed, full of teenage angst, “You’re not my father!!! I can do what I want!!!” Darth Vader blinked and then repeated, “YOU SHALL NOT PASSSSS..the Arno River!” Alyssa gave him a scary stare and whipped out her light saber pen! She swiftly poked him in his belly button, which made him guffaw. He retaliated, using the force, trying to suck the life out of Alyssa. What will happen next?
34: Meanwhile back at the Wood of Edge, Boots had a most important thought...
35: Curious little monkey
36: Back in Italy... But just then, Triangle popped out of somewhere and yelled, “Darth Vader! No life sucking!” Darth Vader let go of Alyssa and slumped his shoulders, saying, “Oh man!” After she could breathe again, Alyssa demanded that Darth Vader let them pass the Arno River. Darth Vader tittered and said, “Muahahahaha you can’t pass without the mystical jalapeño of Stacy!! And only I know where it is because I hid behind that bush over there! And you’ll never find it because you’re too stupid! Muahahahahhah!!!!” Diega picked up the mystical jalapeño behind the bush and asked, “Uh, you mean this mystical jalapeño?” Annoyed and trying to hide his shock at their amazing detective abilities, Darth Vader lied and said, “Pssh no, it’s a different jalapeño!”
38: But Alyssa and Diega were too smart and knew that Darth Vader was sitting on a throne of lies! “You’re lying!” Alyssa said, poking her light saber pen at him. Just then, before Darth Vader could answer, Mater the cop car raced into the clearing between Alyssa and Darth Vader. A jalapeño cop with aviators and a handlebar mustache came out of the car. “I am Officer Alejandro from the Peppers Out On Patrol Squad and,” he said, hitching up his belt. “Wait—you are from the P.O.O.P.S?” Alyssa interrupted, giggling. “Yes m’am. Born and raised a P.O.O.P.S. It runs in my family. My daddy was a P.O.O.P.S. member and his daddy before him. Now I don’t want any trouble, but I am looking for the mystical jalapeño thief,” he said, lowering his aviators so he could eyeball Darth Vader
40: “Wait, you think it was---- Whoa look over there! A flying squid!!” Darth Vader said. As everyone looked to see the flying squid, Darth Vader scampered away into the forest. “Damn it! I always fall for the flyin’ squid thing. Every time I tell you!” Alejandro angrily said, getting back into his cop car. He drove away still muttering something. Alyssa and Diega had escaped the clutches of the evil Darth Vader !
42: With the mystical jalapeño in their possession, they continued on to the Arno River. Soon, they arrived at its treacherous shores; they could see man-eating jelly beans skimming the surface.They were really scared because one of the jelly beans was grape-flavored. Now, this grape jelly bean was the evilest jelly bean of all. His name was Googley, the Dark Underlord of the Arno River, and he was hungry...hungry for Adventurers!!! Alyssa and Diega only hoped that the mystical jalapeño would be enough to get past Googley.
44: “So how do you work this thing?” Diega said, poking the jalapeño. “I don’t know, “ Alyssa said, “Let’s ask Map!” She opened Backpack and took Map out, but because Map and Compass share vital organs, Compass came out too. “How do you work this thing?” Alyssa asked. “Hmmm,” said Map, “It looks like a grenade so pull the stem like a pin in a grenade!” “But don’t touch its juices or you’ll burn yourself!” Compassed warned. Alyssa pulled on the stem and POOF! The jalapeño transformed into a jalapeño boat!
46: They loaded up the boat, careful not to touch any of it juices with their bare hands. Then they took some oars that had been in Backpack the whole time and began to row across the river. The jelly beans sensed their arrival and began to lurk around the boat, hoping that someone would fall into the river. Most of the jelly beans knew to stay away from the boat but not Googley. The little daredevil nipped the boat in the rump! Juices spilled out into the river, blinding all the jelly beans. Googley shrieked in pain and began to thrash. He caused a giant wave that sent the little boat careening to the other side of the river. Alyssa and Diega quickly got out of the boat; they did it! [insert obnoxious "We did it! We did it!" song here]
48: Now all Diega and Alyssa had to do was get back to the Wood of Edge but how? They still had to cross the giant pond that separated Italy from the Wood of Edge. Alyssa knew what to do! She pushed a button on her utility belt, and a giant gummy Batman appeared! “I will take you to the Wood of Edge, my non-gummy companions!” he said, standing epically. “Oh, and DIega, thank you for not eating me!” “What?” asked Diega, confused. “I was that tiny little gummy you threw away, but after some genetic mutations that occurred twenty minutes ago, I grew into the incredibly handsome gummy you now see before you!” he said, chuckling. “YAY!” shouted Diega, Alyssa, Backpack, Map, and Compass in unison. And so gummy Batman flew them all home to the Wood of Edge, but little did they know that their journey was not yet over.
50: Meanwhile back at the Wood of Edge... It was Thursday night ,and Swiper was wearing a fake mustache and was creeping on Izzy the Iguana who lived across the hall from Swiper. After many hours in which Izzy hadn’t noticed Swiper creeping on her, Izzy finally noticed that Swiper was watching her. “What do you want, creep?” she asked Swiper sneeringly. “Heheh nothing,” Swiper said slinking away. Just then, Boots appeared between their two rooms. “Anyone want to watch CSI (Crustaceous Squid Investigation) in the Egnoul?” “Say, that sounds swell!!” said Swiper and Izzy, hopping up to follow Boots into the Egnoul. As they gathered in the Egnoul, they also adopted more friends into their fellowship of CSI (Crustaceous Squid Investigation).
52: First, they found Tico the squirrel and Benny the bull who lived on second floor. Tico was studying to become a Squirrel Shaman, and Benny was the nicest bull around. | TICO | B E N N Y
53: Then, they invited Gabriel the Flying Hooter and Headmaster Kelsafalumpagusore. Gabriel and Kelsafalumpagusore came from the Can of Dom, which was slightly up the hill from the residence of Izzy, Boots, and Swiper. Gabriel the Flying Hooter was the most hooterific messenger of the U.S. Embassy blanket fort, and Headmaster Kelsafamlumpagusore had a pet hog with two warts named Harold.
54: Finally, Boots, Swiper, and Izzy did something that some people might consider risky. They invited friends from the outside world! Holy superiority complex!! They invited the lioness Hah’naa from the Eye of Wa. Then they invited Meilz-on-Wheels and a little monster. The little monster was of the religion of Ga. They also invited Amelia Bedelia who lived in the same mystical land as the little monster. Then they invited friends from the nearby neighborhoods around the Wood of Edge; these friends were Circle from Four Rum and a Bhicken named Lor-Ron. Circle was also friends with the notorious Triangle.
56: Once they had assembled the fellowship of CSI, they journeyed to the Egnoul; they had to pass the Vrossroads and the Hall of Skanks. Soon, they all were inside the Egnoul, and then they watched CSI at the hour of eight. They all chortled as Justin Bieber was shot on CSI for no one likes a permanently prepubescent boy who is half girl. Suddenly, the door of the Egnoul slammed shut!! They were trapped! But who would dare trap these magnificent friends of Alyssa the Adventurer? It was the Shrieking Harpies of the Hall of Skanks!! There were seven of them: Herpeta, Syphilissa, Gonorrhea, Crabby, Skankella, Sluteesha, and Whoretty. Sluteesha, the hoarse-voiced leader, cackled loudly as she and her six minions locked the fellowship of CSI in the Egnoul. When the other inhabitants of the hall politely asked her to keep it down, she and her army of skanks only grew louder! What was the fellowship of CSI to do?
58: Just then, Alyssa the Adventurer, Diega the Gullible, Backpack, Map, Compass, and gummy Batman burst through the ceiling outside the Egnoul. Alyssa flung antibiotics at the whore-encrusted skanks, but avast! To no avail were her attempts for they were too severely infected and loud! Just then Alyssa knew what to do!
59: Alyssa turned to her implied audience and asked, “Will you help me sing the Trolol song? It’s the only thing that can stop the Shrieking Harpies! We must work together to stop their dastardly deeds!!”
61: "Buon lavoro! Molto bene! Grande! Great!" Alyssa praised her implied audience.
62: The Shrieking Harpies writhed in pain and plugged their ears. It was working! Finally, they couldn’t take it anymore, and they exploded into a million tiny pieces! Alyssa the Adventurer had saved the day! Yay!!!! Alyssa greeted her friends for she had missed them a whole bunch. “Hi Tico! Hi Tico! Hi Tico! Hi Tico!” Alyssa babbled to Tico the squirrel. Next, she greeted Swiper in robot and petted Boots’ head. Then she hugged all her friends and said good-bye to gummy Batman who left to pursue his career as a Sour Patch Gummy on the TV commercials.
64: But there was still one unanswered question. Alyssa turned to Triangle and asked full of suspicion, “So I’ve noticed that you’ve been creepily following me. What’s your angle?” Triangle smirked and replied, “My angles measure 60 degrees each. I am an equilateral triangle of course. Duh!!!” Alyssa shrugged and resumed her life at the Wood of Edge with her amazingly creative friends. Soon, she would start a new adventure to the Land of Apple, but that is a whole other story and we’ve run out of paper.
65: THE END!!!