FC: Alone? or Lonely? | By:Joseph Cassano
1: Why did this happen to me? Why did everything have to go wrong, in just a second. The plan was to get married then go to go back to Florence. But that one day, that day when everything changed and went in the opposite direction and flipped upside down. She was shot, a shot to the stomach where she lost too much blood and where she couldn't say goodbye. She was everything to me, she was my life and soul. But now she is gone, my soon to be wife was gone and so is my purpose in life. Her name was Anastasia, she was from Moscow, Russia. Her parents were both Italian but adopted her when she was 3. | She was beautiful in every way. The way her hair would pick up any sunlight and give her that glowing sensation as if she was from heaven. She had bright blue eyes that looked as beautiful as the blue sea, it was as if you could just jump in and swim your life away in her eyes. The eyes that I would never see again.
3: The feeling she gave me when I was with her, made me feel as if I was on cloud 9. Also the way people looked at me with her gave me a sense of power and control. But now she's gone forever, and my feelings left with her. But I guess those are the things she gave people, when they were with her. The worst thing is that her parents didn't know that she was dead; they found out a day after me that she was shot, because someone was robbing her. Her parents could not bare their lives without her, so they went to Milan and made a new life for themselves to vanish their memories of her in their lives. | I wish that could work with me. Just run away from my memories of Anastasia. Just move and forget my life with her. But no matter where I go no matter who I am with, Anastasia will always be in my mind. But, now I am alone in the house that we bought together, in Rome. The word together makes me want to end my life, because I am alone. I am not lonely, I am alone, in a house that had loving memories, but its all in the past now. What about the future though? We had a future to go to Florence and live our lives together, be that old couple sitting on the balcony in their house laughing at the old pictures found in the box under a bed. We had that, but it was thrown out the window, when the robber shot her.
4: I wish that this was all a lie that I would wake up next to her, and everything would be alright, but it won't. I always thought that if I met a girl like Anastasia my life would be perfect and I was right, but I forgot about my life before her. How I was always depressed. Never looking up always down. I feel as if I am falling down a dark well, and that I can only see myself falling deeper without any way out. I can't picture myself climbing out of that well and finding that bright light at the end, or feel the sun's warmth ever again. I can't live without her and it is killing ,me on the inside. | Maybe I should just get away from it all, just run away like her parents just try to forget that the one I loved and still love is dead. I need to find a way to just get away from it all. An old friend of mine who lives in Rome told me to come down so he can get my mind off of this topic. I told him no thank you multiple times telling myself this will never work, then I said I have no point to stay here, my fiancé isn't with me any more so I finally said yes. His name is Angelo, he was my good friend in college, and he lives in a condo overlooking the coliseum in Rome. Angelo, is a very wealthy man from a wealthy family. One day his aunt passed away he got all the wealth, and fortune. He is a doctor that works part time, because he is already rich: why does he need to work full time?
6: The first day in Rome with Angelo was in some ways awkward. At first we talked about what we did after college. Then we laughed and joked about our old childish ways in college, about how we always did spontaneous things to get us in trouble. It shocked us how much we changed from college. Then, I started talking about Anastasia and all those fun memories turned into dark clouds hanging above my head, raining down memories of Anastasia. After and hour or two, we went to one of Angelo's favorite restaurants. It was called "Mezzogiorno Sole". It means evening sun, or midmorning sun. This place is a | favorite to Angelo because it is the only place that serves evening specials. Also because it has a great view of the Spanish Steps in Rome. When we went to this place I saw a girl. A girl that had the exact features of Anastasia's. At first I thought it was her. But then studying this girl she had more of a darker colored hair and with greens eyes instead of that gorgeous sea blue. Some thought in my mind told me that I had to meet her. So I asked her if she would like to sit with me and my friend. As a surprise to me she said "yes". I was prepared for this girl to look at me like I'm crazy and make an excuse that she ha no time to sit.
8: Her name was Victoria. She just moved here from Milan, because her parent kicked her out because she didn't want to work with their family business. Our conversations grew deeper and deeper until some how I let myself talk about Anastasia. Telling the same story again today made me tired of this topic. I wanted it to be over with, just throw it out of my mind. Victoria was very comforting, and explained how she witnessed almost the same thing when her brother died. After spending 3 hours in the restaurant talking she had to leave. I didn't want this day to be forgotten, so as one of those old Italian men, I bought a flower. I chose the one that best represented her. It was purple, | with the greenest leaves. I didn't know what it was called but the man selling it to me gave a look saying that "that's a good choice". As we walked for a little I gave her the flower. She smelled it and gave me a big smile. "Grazie" she said as she waved goodbye.
9: I woke the next morning with a feeling of guilt as if I had cheated Anastasia. Somehow I new that she was watching me, giving me the "ok" that I might have feelings for another girl, right after her. But, If I truly have feelings she wouldn't have thoughts about me. I told Angelo, about this feeling I felt inside of me. All he could say was "that's amore". "Love? I don't love anyone but Anastasia". "Well where is Anastasia"? Angelo said. I paused, I thought of where she could actually be. Is she in my heart, in my soul, or in my past? This led me to think, that I am not only alone, but I am also lonely. But, I am not lonely by the means of being alone, I am more...alone or lonely in my heart. With Anastasia's passing which left me alone, she left my heart broken and lonely, with no reason for it to be beating. | This knowledge gave me the reason why I liked Victoria so much. She gave me the feeling of not being lonely or alone any more. She gave me life and purpose again. I thought that life without a purpose, is like not living a life at all. And this is the feeling that I have now,because I will never see Victoria again.
10: How lucky am I to even meet a women like Victoria? Ever since I met her I've been so confused with my feelings and thought of mind. I feel that without a person like her or Anastasia I feel forgotten and lost. I have a sense that I am walking in a empty street and no matter how hard I yell for someone to guide me, nobody shows up. This thought, or feeling I am getting from all this is frustrating. Maybe I should end my life. Theres no purpose for me on this world without her, or Victoria. I just need somebody to notice me, and tell me this is all part of life; and that is exactly what Victoria did when I met her. But, where is she now? She's gone...forever. I never set out for a lunch date, never planned to meet her. I can only meet her in my memories, just like Anastasia.
11: I went back Mezzogiorno Sole, the next day, hoping Victoria would be there. But, before I could walk in I wanted to prepare myself, just in case Victoria wasn't in their. Somewhere in my mind,I know she wasn't going to be in there, but I still had high hopes she was. I went at the same time to, because maybe she has a lunch break at this time, or something, I just wanted to be her when she was. As I opened the door I looked all around this Café for her. But, she wasn't there. I had lost all hope of ever finding her again. Even though I had tried to prepare myself, the feelings I got I could have never prepared for. I don't even know why I tried to prepare for her no being in here, you can't prepare for somethings in life, especially this. I sat alone, in the Café, thinking about, myself not being, alive. Who would miss me, who wouldn't. The only | person that I could think of missing me is Angelo, but he is only a friend, not anyone really close to me. My parents wouldn't miss me because they are died, my uncle and aunt wouldn't miss because they hate me. I have no cousins, no other friends who wish to see me. The only person I could think that would miss was Victoria, but she probably all ready forgot about me. And that flower she probably threw it away.
12: I went back to Angelos house, where we talked for a few hours, then I went to bed. This night I knew was going to be a hard one because I kept getting the thought " this is your last night to be alive". When I finally fell asleep I knew I was going to have a nightmare just because of all these thoughts I had in my mind, "no purpose", "no life", "alone and lonely", just gave me the feelings of a nightmare coming. My prediction ran true, and this nightmare wasn't one that anyone would forget. I was running down a long dark forest with trees screaming at me, "die, die, die". I kept running down the into the forest, but what was I running from? It turns out, I was running from my grave. My tombstone was following me and as I kept running I kept writing | things on itself. I first saw my name being carved; then I saw the date I had died; then I saw how I died. At that point, when I saw how I was going to die, I fell in a dark hole that was calling my name. As I fell in I was feeling dirt being thrown on me. I saw a man with a shovel putting dirt in a hole with me in it. Then I saw the running tombstone that was following me being put into the ground. I screamed at the man, "Stop, stop, stop, I am alive"! But he didn't hear me. Then as the last bit of light was covered by dirt, the man said "no purpose". I awoke at that point, trying to catch my breathe. I just saw myself die!
14: That night I would never forget. Watching myself being buried alive. Being put into a grave, to be marked as died, killed me. Well, on the inside. To watch yourself die, and see how your going to die made me very annoyed, depressed and shocked. "Killed by a suicidal jump, into a train". A train? Was this going to be my last view of the world, looking through a windshield of a train. If I did try to kill myself, I would do it when I can see the world and its beauty. Maybe jumping out of a plane, to be able see the clouds before I die. It would be like seeing heaven before I actually go there. I would prefer to die, peacefully with no pain, no remorse, no regrets of any kind; just a smooth death.
15: Before I die I would like to see the morning sun rising. I would spend the day doing the things that I loved and that I would never regret doing. I would to the shore to let the rising view of the sun over take me. I would go to a Gelato store to eat my favorite ice cream one last time. Doing all these fun things before I died would just make me miss them more, I think. Do you miss things in heaven? People say that it is true enlightenment. There really aren't a lot of things that I enjoy doing alone. Again that word "alone". I feel like it is taking over me. Just like my dream, how the guy said "no purpose". Those words are dissecting me, messing up my insides, until I can't take it any more and end my life so it will go away. | As noon just was starting to arrive I began to think my time was done. I went to a ordinary drug store got the most toxic things I could buy, and I mixed them into a poison. I looked at this vial of toxic liquid, and it was mocking me, saying I didn't have the courage. Or did I?
16: There she was, Anastasia, waving to me crying with happiness that we finally see each other again. I finally got to see that face again. That beautiful, goddess of a face that no one could take their eyes off of. She was an angel floating above the clouds that gave her the florescent glow. As I went to grab her hands, it went dark. I woke up on a hospital bed, a doctor yelling "hes awake, he's awake!". I guess the poison substance I created wasn't strong enough. Maybe I didn't add enough rat poison? The doctor said, I was found in the middle of the street, yelling out to a girl named Victoria. He then said "we found many toxic substances in your system, we pumped your stomach and we had to take out one of my kidneys". In my mind I said "thats what I get for trying to kill myself".
17: When I got back to Angelo's house he told me that I had been gone for three days. I didn't want to lie to him but yet I did want to lie just so he wouldn't ask me questions about why. But, I ended up telling him everything. What I have been feeling, seeing, and dreaming. I told him I passed out into a coma by poison, that it wasn't strong enough to kill me, but within that three days I got to see 5 seconds of Anastasia again. Angelo was very understanding and very comforting. Maybe I underestimated him, maybe he really is a good friend who cares. Angelo said hat we had to go get something to eat. In shock I said, "I just got back and your demanding that we go to eat?" Angelo said it was very important so I said yes, thinking what else is there to do?
18: Why did Angelo want me to go with him to eat so badly? Is it like a party or something, It isn't my birthday, nobody would even show up because who is there to show up. But in surprise he brought me to Mezzogiorno Sole and sat me next to Victoria,who cried on my shoulder. "Why are you crying?" I asked. "Because I care about you. I know it is very strange for a person you met only two days ago to care about you like a sister or brother,but I have been having these thoughts about you that I can never explain". I didn't believe this was possible, how can she have the same feelings as I do? Is this love at first sight? It can't be because I'm not in love with her. But, how can we be having the same feelings then? I explained to her the exact things that I have been thinking | about since I had last seen her. We both felt the same way. Not sure if we like this person but we both know that with out them we wouldn't be ourselves. As the day grew older Victoria and I got closer with every breathe we took. We walked by the shops and restaurants that were near. We sat on a bench at a park and laughed for hours just talking about our crazy lives. As the night's shining moon fell upon the the glowing cobblestone pavements I saw a flower stand. Again I chose the flower that chose her correctly, instead of the purple one with the greenest leaves I chose the one that was full of life and was happy to be that way because I know I am.
20: As the night grew colder, Victoria left, but this time she had reason to return; and so did I. I moved in with Angelo, in Rome for two reasons. One, so that I wouldn't have to return to the house that was empty, the house that Anastasia and I bought. Second, because I can be close to Victoria. She has given me my purpose in life. Not only to live life the way you want it to be, but to give yourself a reason to live. My reason...to find my purpose, and to be alive. | TheEnd